Often mistakenly labeled as codependency, fawning can present as being more of who someone is: smart, generous, successful, funny, or beautiful, while for others it's about being less: vocal, ethnic, creative, self-assured, or boundaried. Fawning can be visible or invisible, it can take the shape of sex, money, or the perpetual emotional regulation of others but one thing remains constant: it is about finding safety in an unsafe world, often at our own expense.
Written by fawning expert and clinical psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton, Fawning will be the first of its kind, shining a light on this under-represented, but extremely important piece of the trauma puzzle. Clayton draws upon both personal and clinical experiences of the trauma response and provides resources and tools for anyone who has lost intrinsic parts of themselves by constantly orienting to safety through self-abandonment. This book is for those who want to finally lessen their shame about patterns that haven't served for a long time. It is for doctors, therapists, and all those in the helping professions who need to understand this form and function of how the body seeks to survive trauma. This book is for the cycle breakers who don't want to carry unprocessed trauma down to future generations or foster another generation of fawners who aren't entitled to the full spectrum of human emotion, shrinking in the face of what caregivers can tolerate. It is for those who have been told to read all the literature on codependency and still don't see themselves reflected. Fawning is for anyone who has felt stuck in relationships, longing for meaningful, reciprocal connections and most importantly, a true relationship to Self.
What did I think?
I knew I had to read Fawning when I answered yes to the below questions on the proof cover and it really felt like the book had been written with me in mind.
- Are you a people-pleaser?
- Do you avoid conflict?
- Do you tend to take the blame?
- Do you take care of others at the expense of yourself?
- Do you live in a state of hypervigilance?
Dr Ingrid Clayton is an expert on fawning as she is a fawner herself and she uses her own example and those of some of her clients to illustrate how you can break the fawning cycle yourself.
It's a long road to break a habit of a lifetime but the first step for me is recognising that I am a fawner and, more importantly perhaps, recognising when I am fawning. The first time I actually stopped myself from fawning was a massive step and I felt really proud of myself as I would have definitely taken the blame for the thing that wasn't my fault before reading Fawning.
Interesting, accessible and understandable, Fawning is a well-written and engaging self-help book that could change your life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a massive fawner but I have definitely seen an improvement since reading this book. If you recognise yourself as a fawner then you really do need to read this book.
I chose to read an ARC and this is my honest and unbiased opinion.
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